*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.