“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Holy shit he’s back
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
This week’s mood.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.