[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I hope this email finds you in a well
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Truth
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”