I feel seen.
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
A choir of Spring onions
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.