Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
You Might Also Like
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written