She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place