On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
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People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*