I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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What?!?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one