Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free