Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
how to market bottled water to dads
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.