If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
starting a garage orchestra
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper