My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Just a friendly reminder!
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I think about this a lot
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.