That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!