Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My favorite female superhero
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party