The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said