I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.