stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*