Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet