Just parrot things
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Well, this certainly took a turn
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break