This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.