The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg