I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!