My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
i spent way too long on this
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.