There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
181.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Can. I. Help. You.