Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“What movie?” 🤔
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot