Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
pictures of spider-man
Nigella has gone too far this time.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress