interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.