“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
You Might Also Like
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My typo game is string.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.