Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I don’t get marriage
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?