I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
scares
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.