[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
#Caturday
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse