If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Chicago sounds lovely.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Bobby pin
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.