“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
🤣😈🤣
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Meow
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers