Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I am all good here, 😂😉
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?