We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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LOL
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Just ordered me some pizza!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Good Morning.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.