COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
This is me
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Every. Damn. Time.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.