I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.