I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I saw nothing
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Happy Thanksgiving
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: