ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
You Might Also Like
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.