[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs