I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
You’ll be OK
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep