Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.