You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT