“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
What is going on? 馃槄
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna鈥檚 funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it鈥檚 not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here鈥檚 a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour鈥檚 yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what鈥檚 that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It鈥檚 Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You鈥檙e a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I鈥檓 sorry