If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Sniffing the broccoli
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.