Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
🍛
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell