“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.