Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me recordaron éste meme
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?