cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
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I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
God has left this place
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.