“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
You Might Also Like
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to